Yet we rejoice

"But yet we rejoice in our suffering because we know suffering produces perseverance...perservance character..and character hope...and hope will never disappoint us." - Romans 5:3-5

The holidays and the end of the year were nothing short of a rollercoaster....and not just a small roller coaster. They were more something along the lines of Millennium Force.

About two weeks before Thanksgiving, my grandma (maternal) was taken into the hospital due to severe GI issues. After running some tests in the hospital, it turned out she had a bowel blockage and was suffering the effects of this. This bowel blockage was a result of pancreatic cancer progression - we had found out sometime shortly before that she had pancreatic cancer but at her age the doctors were not pursuing treatment (radiation/chemo) and they had talked to her and us about this. So we knew the time would come when she wouldn't be with us..but not how quickly. After this recent admission, the doctors gave her an estimated 2-3 weeks whether she put a stint in or not (though this would allow her to have more liquids and be a little more comfortable). They also said they would do a whipple, a much more intense surgery to remove the cancer) if that's what she wanted but that recovery would be a long and hard road and that the cancer would likely come back in a year. If you knew my grandmother, you would easily be able to guess which option she would choose, with no hesitation and in no more than the blink of an eye. She was ready to meet her Jesus and she had been for a long time. In fact, the first thing she said when Tim and I arrived at the hospital was "Well, they told me I get to go to be with Jesus here in about 2 weeks." Bless her heart, she was nothing if not transparent. So she got the stint put in and we took her home to be on hospice. We took shifts as a family being with her at home 24/7 while we waited for the day to come that she wouldn't be with us.  We never imagined how long we would be blessed to have with her (on hospice) before that time came.

My grandma had a very large family - 8 children biologically and somewhere around 20 grandchildren and 19 great grandchildren. With such a large family, she got a lot of "requests" when it came to her leaving us. First everyone told her "Well you love Thanksgiving so you can't die yet because we want you to have another Thanksgiving with us". And she lived to see Thanksgiving and enjoy spending it with much of her family. Then it was my Uncle Mike's hunting season and so of course she needed to live for that...and the list went on. She was ready to go but she continued to live through these events and told us she kept hearing God tell her "not yet".

Graves Thanksgiving 2017

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Beautiful even on hospice

While this was all happening, Tim and I were going through a lot personally ourselves. As previously mentioned here, we have been on a journey to add to our family and have been battling infertility. Initially we didn't tell many people and still to this day it is really hard to talk about. However, we are doing our best to learn to lean on those around us in our weakness because we know that this, with all its pain and twists and turns, is life. It's hard and painful but it needs to be talked about, because we aren't the only ones going through this and couples should not have to walk through this alone. So we talk about it to bring glory to God in the mess and heartache that it is, because we know He is making it a beautiful story of redemption. We are now about a year and a half into this journey and recently we have had a lot of new twists and turns within this journey. I have been working with a fertility specialist who provides Mercier Therapy, a physical therapist, and a functional medicine doctor for almost a year as we've pursued more of a natural route to restoring my fertility and have seen improvements in many ways. However, I just felt like something was missing and I needed to explore other options as well as time went on. We saw three different specialists and got three different options as far as routes to pursue. We also have gained more information about what specifically is causing all of the issues we've been having.

We got multiple confirmations that I was dealing with PCOS - Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This means my body will produce follicles, but instead of turning these into eggs when the time is right, these develop into cysts and as a result for women with PCOS their ovaries will be covered with many, many cysts over time. There are a lot of side effects that come with this - poor blood sugar regulation, difficulty with weight management, etc, etc. I had been feeling the effects of this for awhile and honestly wasn't that surprised with this diagnosis. I had everything they look for when they go to diagnose PCOS - cysts on my ovaries by ultrasound, abnormal hormone levels (LH greater than or equal to FSH), and irregular cycles.  What hit harder to home with this diagnosis was that many of the specialists did not believe - looking at my blood work, etc - that I had ovulated in quite some time. This hurt - and for awhile I was really angry about this. I felt like I had wasted so much time and energy the last year trying when in reality I wasn't producing any eggs anyway. We also had quite a few specialists (and myself) that suspected endometriosis due to my history and symptoms. However, we would not know for sure if I had this without a laparoscopy (surgery to look and see).

One of the specialists we saw recommended a IUI (intrauterine insemination) cycle with injectables - so I would inject myself with hormones to develop "follicles", then inject myself with a trigger shot to induce ovulation, then go in for an IUI once I ovulate. Depending on if that worked, we would try another IUI or proceed to IVF (in vitro fertilization). He was hopeful the cycle of injectables would resolve the hormonal imbalance we were seeing but also said there was a risk that we would develop too many follicles (and as such a high risk of multiples) and have to cancel the cycle and move straight to IVF. The chance of it (the IUI) working was around 20%. Another specialist suggested I start Metformin (a diabetic drug to control blood sugar regulation) and also go in for an explorative laparoscopy (and excision, if found) for suspected endometriosis. He said if Metformin worked I would likely need to stay on it well into my first pregnancy and immediately resume taking it after delivering...it was likely I would continue taking the medication for far into the foreseeable future. He also talked about performing an ovarian diathermy if needed for my PCOS (he would cauterize the inside of my ovary with the goal being to restore normal hormone levels by treating the area where the incorrect signals were coming from).

The last specialist was a Napro specialist...their goal is to help a woman to conceive as naturally as possible by resolving whatever the underlying issues are..so they don't use ART (assisted reproductive technology).  We wanted to get his opinion on surgery for endometriosis, as we had been told by my current providers that the type of surgery he would do would be the best in regards to minimal adhesions. These specialists are not very common and of the few of them many don't do the surgeries associated with this specialty. There were only 3 in the state of Indiana who would do surgery as well...two in Mishawaka, IN and one in Fort Wayne, IN. We had our initial consult with a provider in Mishawaka, IN (about 3 hours from us). Typically they will have a woman start with creighton charting - this charting is meant to help a woman achieve or prevent pregnancy (without birth control) and can also be used as a diagnostic tool to determine whether a woman has underlying issues that may impact fertility and what they are. Once the woman charts, they can move onto diagnostics to look more into what is going on - blood work, ultrasounds, etc. Then they can determine whether they need to add in medications, supplements, etc or look at surgical intervention. In our case, we had already done a lot of the diagnostic testing to figure out what was going on versus starting with creighton charting so we talked about proceeding with surgery with him and then going onto creighton charting afterward. He suggested a two part surgery - the first being an explorative lapascopy to check for endometriosis and to observe my ovaries and uterus for other abnormalities (including PCOS). The second part would include excision of the endometriosis should they find it as well as an Ovarian Wedge Resection for the PCOS. The wedge resection would involve cutting out a portion of my ovaries and then sewing them back together...the goal of this is similar to the diathermy...treat where the incorrect signals are coming from and restore proper hormone levels by doing so. It would also restore my ovaries to a more normal size (as with PCOS they are enlarged). Once he did the surgery, we would start creighton charting and then proceed with medications as needed - including potentially using clomid or injectables as needed to induce ovulation should this not naturally occur after the surgery.

All of the specialists were wonderful about taking their time to sit with us and talk through all of our options and answer all our questions. Each of them sat with us for an hour or more and were more than happy to answer my (many) questions. They were more than happy to support us no matter which path we chose. Ultimately, we chose to pursue surgery with the NaPro surgeon. For us, we chose this due to a couple different factors. The largest factor was that we felt this was the next step God was calling us toward. After we left the appointment with him, I kept hearing lines from the poem "The road not taken" in my mind. This surgery definitely felt like a path less taken - not many people knew about these providers and I didn't know any woman that had undergone a wedge resection. I kept hearing the last line of Frost's poem repeated in my mind - "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference". I felt like God was telling me to take the path less taken but also to walk boldly forward in His grace - not to second guess myself as I took this path. I also felt he was telling me not to second guess myself for the choices we had made thus far. It had felt like such a long road for us so far and I was having some serious moments of discouragement - wondering if I would have done this, would we have gotten pregnancy faster, etc. I also felt like we had come so far trying to get pregnant as naturally as possible and I just wasn't ready - and didn't think my body was ready - for these new (and somewhat) harsh medicines and hormones to be introduced. I didn't want to force my body to do something it wasn't ready to do because I didn't feel I was healthy enough that this would be good for a baby or me - I was struggling with fatigue, and nausea, and migraines, and a whole list of other problems and symptoms due to these conditions and felt these still needed addressed before I could carry a healthy pregnancy. I also was discouraged by the idea of having to proceed with IUI, metformin, etc again should we get pregnant with them - as they would help me get pregnant but I was likely to have the same problems after I delivered. In my heart, I still desired to try to fix the root problem (hopefully, God willing) so that this and future pregnancies would not involve medical interventions like IUI and other drugs - and that I would begin to feel better in the process. Not saying I am against these options or procedures for me or the countless other women that have chosen them - there may come a day when we would need them should this not work and I pray God will prepare our hearts no matter the outcome. However, at this time they weren't where I felt I was being called.

So, we prepped for surgery. We would go in for two surgeries in the month of December - one around my birthday (Happy birthday to me, right?) and another just after Christmas (Merry Christmas?).

After the first surgery, we found out that I did indeed have endometriosis - though thankfully it was considered "Mild". We also found my ovaries were enlarged and stretched due to my PCOS. Both expected. Somewhat unexpected, we found out I had a uterine infection. So our surgeon suggested a three part plan to address these....We would go back in for excision of the endometriosis and a wedge resection of both ovaries after Christmas. We would also do a month long round of antibiotics to address the uterine infection. He knew we were somewhat hesitant on the wedge resection (since we didn't know that many people that had done it), but we were hopeful and leaning toward it due to the statistics - a 60% chance I would start ovulating again! He was happy to wait on the wedge resection should we have chosen this and wanted to try clomid or other medications again (with creighton charting this time) first, but said if we were at our "boiling point" with everything he was also happy to do the surgery now. We were definitely at our boiling point...and felt we had been there for awhile...so we chose to proceed with the surgery.

Post 1st surgery

It took my awhile to heal from the first surgery - my incisions had bled unexpectedly and the gas from surgery had been worse than I expected. So no sooner than I was feeling somewhat back to myself, we went in again for the second part. This time, it was a little longer procedure and I had 5 incisions instead of 2. Luckily, just as the doctor had said, the gas was better with the second procedure because it had more incisions to escape from! However, my incisions hurt more this time also and I cramped a lot more. As Tim said - "Well he did cut your ovaries in half, so you do have reason to hurt." You've got to laugh or else you'll cry right?

Post 2nd Surgery - definitely swollen

My sweet snuggle buddy - begging for a treat. I had a bad migraine spell after the 2nd surgery for 4-5 days and apples were all that sounded good! Ali thought so too...

Cue back to our time with my grandma...Right before I went in for the first surgery we had told my grandma more about what was going on - I had been spending a lot of time with her at her home while she was on hospice and had talked to her about what we were going through. I had explained to her about how I likely wasn't ovulating and we were looking at our next steps. Her reaction reveals a lot about her faith....She said "Oh that is a problem. Well....I'll be praying you'll have a baby while I'm here but if it doesn't happen while I'm here I'll be praying for you to have a baby when I'm in Heaven. You'll have a baby, I just know it. " Sweet, sweet soul. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. In our typical fashion, my family and I kept telling her she had to stay with us "just a little bit longer" to pray for me as I went through these surgeries. So she made it through my first surgery and recovery and we continued to care for her at home. And then we prepared to go in for my second surgery and we told her she had to make it through that one of course too. She kept telling us God kept telling her "Not yet." The day of my second surgery, my aunt was staying with her and was telling my mom that she was praying for us with my aunt as we went through the surgery and when my mom called to tell them the news that I was out and doing okay she was excited. Since these were both outpatient surgeries, we went home the night of (rather late, since it was a 3 hour drive there and back) - so we were home that night and spent the day after resting up. That next morning after my second surgery, my grandma went into a coma while at home and we knew the end was near - she was happy - smiling and peaceful - but unresponsive. Much of my family went to be with her - to sit with her that day and night - but we couldn't due to the weather being bad (icy/snowy) and the fear I would fall and mess up one of my incisions. She ended up passing away early Saturday morning - just shortly after my second surgery which took place on Thursday morning of that week.

Since we had so much longer with her than we expected - about 7 weeks  instead of the anticipated 2-3 weeks - we were thankful for all the extra time we had with her. Tim and I were especially thankful to have her as our "prayer warrior" during this time. But it was also hard when the time finally came to say goodbye. Recovering from the second surgery was hard - emotionally and physically. My body hurt but my heart hurt even more as we said goodbye to this sweet angel on earth. When she was diagnosed, and when she eventually passed, it was really hard for me personally knowing that she would never meet our children, that they would never know her and the many unique and wonderful facets of her personality. She truly was a woman like no other - you had to meet her to know what I mean. For awhile, I was really angry with God that he would allow us to go through this journey of infertility and also that it would last thing length to where I wouldn't get to see her hold my children, love them, and pray over them. Thankfully, as we prepared to say goodbye, God slowly worked on my heart. As I talked with her, I knew in my heart of hearts that she wouldn't get to meet our children here....but that she would by all means have her prayers, blessings, and hands all over them before they ever meet us here on this earth. I know in my heart of hearts that when the time comes that God calls this journey we're on to an end and we get to experience the joy of being parents (biologically or not) that she will be smiling and looking over them. How blessed are our future kids to have that kind of a guardian angel?

 The world will definitely not be the same without her - but how beautiful that her life and story as she ended her life will be a sweet reminder of her when we eventually have kids? And how beautiful is it that she will live on in our kids and her (many) family? Even in the "family" that isn't blood related - those lives she touched so deeply that they became family? We are so thankful that she is finally with her Jesus - something she has longed for so long. As the priest said at her funeral, she definitely had the mentality that when her time to go had come she was ready, heart and soul - because she knew being in Heaven was far better than being here.

We mourn that we don't get to be with her here on Earth, but we rejoice for her that she is home. Until we meet again, we know she is with the Father, interceding for her family as she talks to the Father, just as she talked to Him in her prayers here. Until we meet again in Heaven, we remember her sweet spirit and find peace knowing she is at rest in His presence.

Back at our wedding - August 2014

 

From Migraines to Infertility

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

When Tim and I talk about the first few years of our marriage, there are so many blessings that are so apparent. We are so so grateful for those things. We bought and sold our first home. Tim has a steady job that he enjoys. We got our sweet fur baby Ali. We bought a home in Plainfield that is truly home to us and that is the perfect fit for us at this time in our lives. We both have reliable, good cars. I graduated. We bought a camper that we love to enjoy as a family. We have traveled a lot and been able to explore the world around us. The list goes on and on.

However, there are also so many things that have just been so hard, and most of them have involved my health. I am so blessed that Tim walked so faithfully through this time with me, that he has endured the pain alongside me and helped to hold me up. I am so thankful that God has brought us to where we are now in this journey, that he is bringing healing to my body in so many ways. Yet because of what we have experienced I yearn for the day when Christ comes and will heal all our physical ailments. The two biggest things we have struggled with since we got married: migraines and infertility.

My journey with migraines began around 12 years ago, at the young age of 13. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find I had a skull splitting migraine. They were vicious. I would be unable to withstand any sort of light or sounds. If I had to go anywhere, crawling was my only option as standing was just too much. I would have intense and unbearable pain on one side of my head and would be very very nauseous. Often I would find myself curled into the fetal position, leaning into my bed while sitting beside it (because for some reason, laying down made it worse). I would usually sob, rock, cry, and pray for the medicine to work for 2-4 hours before I somehow passed out (either due to medicine or pain I'm not sure). They would come every month to few months so I mentally prepared myself for them as they weren't extremely frequent. When these migraines were my (unwelcome) guests I never sought medical treatment, all due to this small part of me that felt guilty, like I was a wimp, a baby, a coward for seeking help.

However, soon after Tim and I got married I began to experience them almost every single day, though not to as severe of a degree. For 1.5-2 years I would wake up every day and experience the pain all over again. This was when I sought medical treatment. I had an MRI (being a medical professional my nagging fears made me do it), which came back normal. I was put on medications to take away the migraines and for months stayed on these medications. I would try to get off of them and just have the same issues - more less severe migraines every day. Another unfortunate side effect of the medications: weight gain. Though my diet hadn't changed, I began gaining weight, and fast. I no longer wanted to be in pictures (and still don't) and just generally felt very blah. And the intense migraines were still there every few months as well. I just felt like I needed to dig further but didn't know where.

Fast forward to now and I have seen a holistic  doctor, an acupuncturist, and a chiropractor. I am off all medicines and only taking supplements and adjusting my diet. The holistic MD did testing which revealed food sensitivities and low levels of magnesium and vitamin D. I adjusted my diet based on my sensitivities and added supplements for vitamin D and magnesium. The acupuncturist treated me for migraines and the chiropractor treated me to make sure I was in alignment to prevent the migraines. I rarely have migraines, but at times do have them in time with my cycles, likely indicating the residual is hormonal. However, they are nothing compared to what I previously experienced. I am so grateful for where I am now but feel so much for those still walking the path I walked and still pray that I will be completely healed of my migraines and headaches.

To those of you that suffer as I did, I am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better but I know your pain. I remember the days and nights of crying out to God and not understanding why. I know I won't understand that in this life, but I am trusting it was for His greater good. I pray He will bring you peace and heal you as He has healed me. I pray also for your loved ones that walk through it with you. If it weren't for Tim beside me, there is no way I would have persevered or made it as gracefully (I hope) as I did. I think God knew I needed Him and Tim both for this journey.

What we didn't know would come along with the headaches (and likely be tied together) was the infertility. When Tim and I got married, we had talked about kids already and He knew one of my deepest desires was to be a mom. More than anything else I do well in this life, I want to be a good mom to our kids and show them the grace I'm shown daily. We knew with me being in school it wouldn't be wise to have kids until I was out and working as well, so we planned on waiting until I graduated and began to phase out all prevention measures once I graduated. In my mind, I had no doubt we would easily get pregnant, but I hoped my body would have some time to heal from birth control before getting pregnant. But then months went by and I didn't have a cycle.

I thought maybe my body was just adjusting. Then six months had gone by and I began to get worried. I went in to my OB, who did an ultrasound (which all appeared normal) and gave me medication to induce my cycle and began to monitor my hormone levels. Every month or two it was the same: I would take the medication to induce my cycle, go in and get tested for my progesterone levels....only to get the call a few days later to let me know that though I had a cycle, that my levels were not high enough to have a viable pregnancy. So they began medications to force my body to release an egg. And the side effects were not pretty. I had hot flashes that were out of this world. I would be sitting outside in 40 or 50 degree weather and suddenly my skin would be on fire, no matter that I had stripped to a tank top and shorts. Since I am usually pretty cold natured, Tim really didn't know what to do with me. Another unfortunate side effect of this was that I was very very emotional. At what was already an emotional time, I would find myself sobbing uncontrollably over small and large things more often than not.

Despite these terrible side effects, my body didn't respond to any of the medicines by doing what it was supposed to do - releasing an egg. So every round I got the same devastating phone call. Your blood levels indicate no ovulation and no chance of pregnancy. And I cried. Despite my desire to hide this in public, at times it was unbearable and I can recall crying in very public places with Tim by my side holding my hand.

When this didn't work, I was referred out to two fertility specialists - one a natural fertility specialist and the other a traditional, MD fertility specialist. After all I had gone through with my migraines, I chose to go with the natural fertility specialist first. I just felt God calling me this route. I was blessed to be able to meet and work with Joelle Samples. Joelle began doing Mercier Therapy - a deep tissue therapy - and working with me on changing my diet and lifestyle to better support a pregnancy. She also referred me out to a functional medicine provider, who tested all of my blood levels to look at underlying factors. Last, she recommended more procedures and more tests.

More blood work revealed some hormone and thyroid imbalances. So supplements and some medicines were added to my daily regimen and my lifestyle was changed once again. I started trying to reduce toxins in our household or anything that could alter my hormone levels negatively. I started making sure I was consistently cooking and exercising to keep my body at it's healthiest. I started seeing an acupuncturist to specifically address fertility and regulate my cycles. I had an HSG done to look at whether my tubes were open or not. Though my uterus was tipped to the right, everything was open and the right shape. Though this was very good news, it also brought more doubts. Why was I not having cycles and why could we not get pregnant then?

Every month that went by hurt more and more. Every person who joked about "When are you gonna have kids?" made me want to cry. Still now, every baby I see I feel the tug and the yearn in my heart. And every pregnancy announcement, while so exciting for the parents to be, makes me want to stow away and sob. The people who say these things don't know what they're doing and they don't mean to hurt me, but it hurts none the less. So I've learned to try to brush it off, to hide myself away from those I love at times, because sometimes in this journey that is what I need. I need time alone to process but I also need time with those nearest and dearest to my heart, to lean on them when I can't stand any longer. I need these people to help me to celebrate the small victories when they come - they are God's messages to me to keep hoping, after all. From a girlfriend celebrating a bitter sweet milestone like starting a period naturally (so exciting as it is a sign that my body is healing but so bitter as I go through another month of disappointment again), to Tim and I holding onto hope and talking about what we envision for our family to be...I need these small moments to get me to the end of the big picture.

Here I am, about a year into this journey, and the answers aren't really there. There were some imbalances, but not terrible, and nothing else major to note. So I am left with the question of why at a young age I am not regularly having cycles or conceiving and no answers. I am left only with the option to continue to walk forward and to trust that God will provide. That He knows my heart to be a mama and that He will give me children to care for, biologically or not. I can feel the enemy trying to break me down, trying to make me believe his lies - that I won't be a good mom. Or trying to make me give up hope, build up my walls, and pretend I don't want kids. All I can do from here is trust in His plan and continue to pray that I would follow the path He has laid out for me thus far and wherever else He leads me. That in the end, I can be the best mama to His children while He loans them out to me here on this earth. And to pray for the sweet babies I have yet to hold in my arms until I meet them. In the mean time, I am holding tight to my precious little family as it is until that day comes.