Infertility: How to Help

Today has been hard. Like, I want to crawl under a rock and cry type hard. My migraines have been back with a vengeance and I swear I am seeing babies on every corner. While I am  letting myself grieve I also am leaning hard into God's truths and praying they would rest on my heart and bring me peace. As I am thinking about these truths, it also makes me think about how we as a church either support women walking through infertility or tear them down (albeit, usually not intentionally). My prayer is that we as a church would learn how to support each other in this walk in grace and life giving ways.

There have been many times in this walk where I have been simultaneously shocked, appalled, and hurt by the things people will say to me. If you haven't gone through infertility, it is really hard to know how to support a woman (or guy) walking through it. However, these are some things that definitely did not help me in my journey:

1. "Oh you're still young...you have time." If one more person tells me this or reminds me that "At least you started trying early" I might lose it. I understand we didn't wait until I was 35 or 40 and that because of that the odds might be higher. However, we are not getting any younger either and every day that goes by is a reminder of that.  
2. "You think your situation is bad.." *Cue story about someone else who has it worse* I understand that it could be much, much worse. However, do not discredit that this is hard. Like really hard. And telling me about how it could be worse will only make me feel guilty for being sad, while I have a right to grieve at times for this situation. 
3. "Just stop stressing....as soon as you stop stressing it will happen." Most women get their stress levels checked consistently while they are trying to get pregnant to monitor their stress and I consistently like to point this out when someone tells me to "stop stressing".
4. "Adopt and then it will happen." Adoption has always been near and dear to my heart. I have always told Tim that I see us eventually adopting. However, that does not mean I do not want to experience having biological children as well. But please, tell me how to live my life some more? 
5. *Cue story about how it took someone 7-10 years to get pregnant* I understand you want to tell me this story to bring me hope that it will eventually happen, but instead you are making me even sadder because you are reminding me that this journey may last a lot longer than I could ever imagine. I understand that God is in control and He knows when it will happen for us, but as a woman trying to get pregnant it is really hard to be patient. And hearing about waiting 7 years can be really hard when all you want is a baby to hold right now and you've been ready for that addition for so long already.
6. "You just need to pray for healing." Do you understand how long and hard I have cried out to God for healing? I know that God could heal me in a blink of an eye were it His will, but only He knows when that will be. And yes, I am holding out for that day.
7. "Stop trying so hard." or "It will happen when you stop trying." A woman trying to get pregnant will try anything. I have probably already tried everything you are going to suggest to me, including but not limited to: chiropractor, pelvic floor PT, acupuncture, more supplements than a body is ever meant to handle, surgery, dietary changes, BBT and cervical mucus tracking, etc. etc. etc. And I have actual medical conditions which warrant me trying so hard. But no, lets just stop trying and my symptoms and conditions will *magically* resolve.
8. "When are you guys ever going to have kids?" A lot of family said this to us before we opened up about our infertility journey. I know they feel bad now that they realize that we were in fact trying. Be careful with this question - you never know if someone is in fact walking the very early stages of infertility and this question really hurts in that case.
9. "Be glad you don't have kids (or aren't pregnant) yet, because..." I understand that there are really difficult parts to being a mother. However, as a woman walking through infertility I would literally give anything for any of the inconveniences you are going to list. Morning sickness? Gladly. Baby making you pee every five seconds? Gladly. No sleep because of your newborn? In a heartbeat.
10. "I can't imagine how that feels...I got pregnant in (1, 2 or 3) months." Congrats, fertile myrtle. Thanks for making me feel even more like a dud.

While these comments really sucked (just being honest), here are some things that brought me hope despite these comments. 

1. Christian Music
• I have always been able to connect deeply through music. Having christian music to encourage me through this walk has been one of the best ways for me to slow down and connect with God. Songs that are really close to my heart are: 
• All the way the Father leads me
• How Deep the Father's Love for Us
• Good, Good Father
• Blessings
• Heaven Song
• Hills and Valleys
• Even If
2. Letting us grieve
• While there are days we do really well at dealing with infertility, there are also a lot of days we do not do well. And that is ok. We are allowed to feel that way. And my guess is for every tear that we shed, God is shedding one for us too because it hurts Him to see His children hurt. And that brings me comfort. 
3. Asking "How are you doing?" and really meaning it (but not in front of a million people). As a really private person (and a really emotional person) it is hard for me to openly talk about this journey in front of a lot of people...because it is very likely I may start crying. However, it means more than you can know when someone asks me how I'm doing and really + truly wants to know.
4. Stay involved, but don't ask or expect me to tell you about every negative and step. It is really hard to swallow negative month after month. And it is really hard to tell someone about these negatives or to be continually asked about them. However, it is wonderful when someone is there as a shoulder or an ear should you need it. So simply letting someone know you are thinking about them and letting them tell you when they are ready...that means more than you can know.
5. Leaning into God's word and having others to help you do so
• "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born." Isaiah 66:9 + "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
• Knowing that God can and will bring beauty from the ashes brings me a peace that passes all understanding. I know that this is not the end of the story. 
• Knowing God has already healed me through His work on the cross. Reading this blog brought me so much hope: https://www.amateurnester.com/2013/12/on-the-journey-with-caroline.html
• Reminding myself that infertility is not my fault or my punishment. Yes, God allowed it to happen. However, He did not do it to punish me for my sins or my weaknesses. As well, reminding myself that I did not "cause" my infertility by not doing this or not doing that enough e.g. not eating well enough, not exercising enough. I must continually give myself and Tim grace on this walk as we remind ourselves of that.
• Diving into devotionals...My current favorite is Anchored in Hope: Devotionals for Infertility.
• I can't describe how much I appreciated people sending me random verses or copies of their devotional when they thought I needed it. It touched my heart in a way I desperately needed and I am so thankful to God for speaking into my life through the people around me.
6. Being my own advocate when it comes to my health
• It was really helpful for me to study up on the different things as we were trying them or as they were suggested to us. I needed to know that I was making an informed decision and doing what was best for my health and the health of my future baby as much as I possibly could (while also obviously relying on God's guidance). Especially because we have gone a route that not a lot of women take when trying to get pregnant, it helped me to feel more confident in my decisions. However, I also will say that I have found that not all doctors will feel the same about certain treatments. I had doctors who I felt "shamed" me for trying the route we took, while others cheered me on. I also felt like I had people who made me feel guilty for thinking about trying the more "medical" route as far as medications and proceeding with various regimens. What I have learned is...You're not a cupcake, you can't please everyone. So study up and rely on God's guidance and go from there.
7. Small notes, cards, etc. 
• I can't explain how much it means when someone sends a text, or snail mail, or they just stop by to see how I am doing. From sitting on the couch and playing Wii with me to having a movie marathon with me, to crying with me when that's what I need. These small gestures are by far what have meant the most. 
8. Prayer
• I have no doubt that we have been covered in prayer on this journey. Knowing that brings me so much peace - to know that our family and friends have been petitioning God on our behalf is humbling and heartwarming.
9. Leaning on our spouses
• I can't even describe how much of a rockstar Tim has been. He has held when with the bad news and let me cry, sometimes in very public places. He has encouraged me and pointed me to God's truth every step of the way. He has been strong when I have been weak. He has been my help meet in every sense of the word and exactly who God knew I would need in this season of life. I know without a doubt I could not have walked this path with as much grace and hope as I have were it not for him. I thank God daily for him and his love.
10. Distraction + Enjoying life in this moment
• Sometimes you just need to forget about this mess and let yourself be present in something life-giving. Tim and I have traveled more than ever during this time, partly because we knew our lives needed to continue to move forward despite these trials. However, sometimes this is as simple as taking the time to paint your nails or read a good book. Or go to lunch with a friend, or sit by the fireplace with a good movie on. I have desperately needed these moments of normalcy and enjoying these simple pleasures to help take my mind off what we're going through (though lets be honest, it's never not on my mind at all).

I hope and pray that these do's and do not's will help us as a church to think about how we are lifting up couples going through infertility and supporting them. Supporting each other is not easy and it's not pretty most of the time... in fact it is a very bittersweet part of the journey. But it is part of the journey, and a part that makes all the difference.