"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
When Tim and I talk about the first few years of our marriage, there are so many blessings that are so apparent. We are so so grateful for those things. We bought and sold our first home. Tim has a steady job that he enjoys. We got our sweet fur baby Ali. We bought a home in Plainfield that is truly home to us and that is the perfect fit for us at this time in our lives. We both have reliable, good cars. I graduated. We bought a camper that we love to enjoy as a family. We have traveled a lot and been able to explore the world around us. The list goes on and on.
However, there are also so many things that have just been so hard, and most of them have involved my health. I am so blessed that Tim walked so faithfully through this time with me, that he has endured the pain alongside me and helped to hold me up. I am so thankful that God has brought us to where we are now in this journey, that he is bringing healing to my body in so many ways. Yet because of what we have experienced I yearn for the day when Christ comes and will heal all our physical ailments. The two biggest things we have struggled with since we got married: migraines and infertility.
My journey with migraines began around 12 years ago, at the young age of 13. I would wake up in the middle of the night to find I had a skull splitting migraine. They were vicious. I would be unable to withstand any sort of light or sounds. If I had to go anywhere, crawling was my only option as standing was just too much. I would have intense and unbearable pain on one side of my head and would be very very nauseous. Often I would find myself curled into the fetal position, leaning into my bed while sitting beside it (because for some reason, laying down made it worse). I would usually sob, rock, cry, and pray for the medicine to work for 2-4 hours before I somehow passed out (either due to medicine or pain I'm not sure). They would come every month to few months so I mentally prepared myself for them as they weren't extremely frequent. When these migraines were my (unwelcome) guests I never sought medical treatment, all due to this small part of me that felt guilty, like I was a wimp, a baby, a coward for seeking help.
However, soon after Tim and I got married I began to experience them almost every single day, though not to as severe of a degree. For 1.5-2 years I would wake up every day and experience the pain all over again. This was when I sought medical treatment. I had an MRI (being a medical professional my nagging fears made me do it), which came back normal. I was put on medications to take away the migraines and for months stayed on these medications. I would try to get off of them and just have the same issues - more less severe migraines every day. Another unfortunate side effect of the medications: weight gain. Though my diet hadn't changed, I began gaining weight, and fast. I no longer wanted to be in pictures (and still don't) and just generally felt very blah. And the intense migraines were still there every few months as well. I just felt like I needed to dig further but didn't know where.
Fast forward to now and I have seen a holistic doctor, an acupuncturist, and a chiropractor. I am off all medicines and only taking supplements and adjusting my diet. The holistic MD did testing which revealed food sensitivities and low levels of magnesium and vitamin D. I adjusted my diet based on my sensitivities and added supplements for vitamin D and magnesium. The acupuncturist treated me for migraines and the chiropractor treated me to make sure I was in alignment to prevent the migraines. I rarely have migraines, but at times do have them in time with my cycles, likely indicating the residual is hormonal. However, they are nothing compared to what I previously experienced. I am so grateful for where I am now but feel so much for those still walking the path I walked and still pray that I will be completely healed of my migraines and headaches.
To those of you that suffer as I did, I am so sorry. I know there is nothing I can say that will make it better but I know your pain. I remember the days and nights of crying out to God and not understanding why. I know I won't understand that in this life, but I am trusting it was for His greater good. I pray He will bring you peace and heal you as He has healed me. I pray also for your loved ones that walk through it with you. If it weren't for Tim beside me, there is no way I would have persevered or made it as gracefully (I hope) as I did. I think God knew I needed Him and Tim both for this journey.
What we didn't know would come along with the headaches (and likely be tied together) was the infertility. When Tim and I got married, we had talked about kids already and He knew one of my deepest desires was to be a mom. More than anything else I do well in this life, I want to be a good mom to our kids and show them the grace I'm shown daily. We knew with me being in school it wouldn't be wise to have kids until I was out and working as well, so we planned on waiting until I graduated and began to phase out all prevention measures once I graduated. In my mind, I had no doubt we would easily get pregnant, but I hoped my body would have some time to heal from birth control before getting pregnant. But then months went by and I didn't have a cycle.
I thought maybe my body was just adjusting. Then six months had gone by and I began to get worried. I went in to my OB, who did an ultrasound (which all appeared normal) and gave me medication to induce my cycle and began to monitor my hormone levels. Every month or two it was the same: I would take the medication to induce my cycle, go in and get tested for my progesterone levels....only to get the call a few days later to let me know that though I had a cycle, that my levels were not high enough to have a viable pregnancy. So they began medications to force my body to release an egg. And the side effects were not pretty. I had hot flashes that were out of this world. I would be sitting outside in 40 or 50 degree weather and suddenly my skin would be on fire, no matter that I had stripped to a tank top and shorts. Since I am usually pretty cold natured, Tim really didn't know what to do with me. Another unfortunate side effect of this was that I was very very emotional. At what was already an emotional time, I would find myself sobbing uncontrollably over small and large things more often than not.
Despite these terrible side effects, my body didn't respond to any of the medicines by doing what it was supposed to do - releasing an egg. So every round I got the same devastating phone call. Your blood levels indicate no ovulation and no chance of pregnancy. And I cried. Despite my desire to hide this in public, at times it was unbearable and I can recall crying in very public places with Tim by my side holding my hand.
When this didn't work, I was referred out to two fertility specialists - one a natural fertility specialist and the other a traditional, MD fertility specialist. After all I had gone through with my migraines, I chose to go with the natural fertility specialist first. I just felt God calling me this route. I was blessed to be able to meet and work with Joelle Samples. Joelle began doing Mercier Therapy - a deep tissue therapy - and working with me on changing my diet and lifestyle to better support a pregnancy. She also referred me out to a functional medicine provider, who tested all of my blood levels to look at underlying factors. Last, she recommended more procedures and more tests.
More blood work revealed some hormone and thyroid imbalances. So supplements and some medicines were added to my daily regimen and my lifestyle was changed once again. I started trying to reduce toxins in our household or anything that could alter my hormone levels negatively. I started making sure I was consistently cooking and exercising to keep my body at it's healthiest. I started seeing an acupuncturist to specifically address fertility and regulate my cycles. I had an HSG done to look at whether my tubes were open or not. Though my uterus was tipped to the right, everything was open and the right shape. Though this was very good news, it also brought more doubts. Why was I not having cycles and why could we not get pregnant then?
Every month that went by hurt more and more. Every person who joked about "When are you gonna have kids?" made me want to cry. Still now, every baby I see I feel the tug and the yearn in my heart. And every pregnancy announcement, while so exciting for the parents to be, makes me want to stow away and sob. The people who say these things don't know what they're doing and they don't mean to hurt me, but it hurts none the less. So I've learned to try to brush it off, to hide myself away from those I love at times, because sometimes in this journey that is what I need. I need time alone to process but I also need time with those nearest and dearest to my heart, to lean on them when I can't stand any longer. I need these people to help me to celebrate the small victories when they come - they are God's messages to me to keep hoping, after all. From a girlfriend celebrating a bitter sweet milestone like starting a period naturally (so exciting as it is a sign that my body is healing but so bitter as I go through another month of disappointment again), to Tim and I holding onto hope and talking about what we envision for our family to be...I need these small moments to get me to the end of the big picture.
Here I am, about a year into this journey, and the answers aren't really there. There were some imbalances, but not terrible, and nothing else major to note. So I am left with the question of why at a young age I am not regularly having cycles or conceiving and no answers. I am left only with the option to continue to walk forward and to trust that God will provide. That He knows my heart to be a mama and that He will give me children to care for, biologically or not. I can feel the enemy trying to break me down, trying to make me believe his lies - that I won't be a good mom. Or trying to make me give up hope, build up my walls, and pretend I don't want kids. All I can do from here is trust in His plan and continue to pray that I would follow the path He has laid out for me thus far and wherever else He leads me. That in the end, I can be the best mama to His children while He loans them out to me here on this earth. And to pray for the sweet babies I have yet to hold in my arms until I meet them. In the mean time, I am holding tight to my precious little family as it is until that day comes.
